Anti-hero

So it's 8:30pm and I'm a wee bit sleepy, but this is my only time I have to blog. I hope I can get this out in the way I have been thinking about it the past few days.

Recently, and I mean VERY recently, I have come to the realization that I have been making my life worse. You all know what I'm talking about.

Alcohol.

Indulging in alcohol is something I've done since day one at college when I was 19-years-old. I've continued to drink since then whether socially or at home. But guess what. I think it's doing the opposite effect of what I've been using it for all these years. Generally, when drinking at home, I would drink because I wanted to feel happier or because I wanted to "let off some steam" after parenting two littles all day. I would think, "I'm gonna have a couple seltzers while I watch this show." But what happened was that a couple seltzers turned into more than a couple and I found myself drinking much more than is probably considered healthy. I also did not really end up paying any attention to the show I was watching that I thought I was watching. So really what I was doing was throwing a big liquid band-aid on my issues and expecting them to be solved the next day. Well guess what.

THEY WEREN'T.

You didn't see that one coming I know. But in all seriousness why did it take me so long to realize this? We do live in a society where the culture is to enjoy alcohol and to drink when you're having a hard time. But I don't want to blame it all on that because I'm a grown adult who can make her own choices. But I think it factored in? I also really enjoyed drinking in college because at parties I was never shy when I was drinking. I am getting over it little by little, but I definitely have social anxiety. Alcohol is a miracle for someone with social anxiety. You all get it. So I think I associated alcohol as being good for years and years due to this. Although, if I think back on many MANY situations in my adult life that were bad or traumatic, alcohol was involved.

So basically lately I told myself I was done with these habits and would allow myself one drink per week. Although even when I do that, I haven't been enjoying it. I noticed that without drinking, I have to use actual coping skills and participate in my hobbies. WOAH. I have learned that I actually still am passionate about many things in life when I did not think I was anymore. For starters, this blog was born out of focusing on new hobbies. I have also been reading the Throne of Glass series which is the first book series I've read in 5 years. I'm not kidding. I even have been looking for a church that I feel like I can belong to which is kind of a big deal for me. I also have plans to continue reading after I finish this series, as well as plans to make period themed doll clothes.... yeah don't laugh. The first pattern I am going to work on is Bridgerton-esq dresses. Then I want to sew a medieval/viking situation dress. Then get into making my kids dresses. There is just so much more to life that I had forgotten about.

This was a really vulnerable post for me and a little bit hard to share. But I felt it was important to do so. I hope to no longer be an anti-hero to my own story.